.fernie.
frens
benjaboo*
chenxi*
chunwai*
chowtee*
herbert*
javier*
* Saturday, December 10, 2005 *
15 more days to christmas.
how i wish i could cry myself to die... at least i know, and i dare to cry. i wana jump buildin, but i fear heights. i wana stab myself to death, but im afraid to pierce the sharp thing into my flesh. i wana take pills, but i duno how to even swallow a damn panadol. i wana drink detergent to death, but i doubt that will work fine. sometimes i tell myself, life goes on... things will get better... but each day i wake up... i dun find life goin the way i wan it to go. the past few daes were hell. real hell. sometimes i questioned... often i got no reply. nobody could understand the pain im goin thru. as im typin this, tears are flowing from my eyes. who can answer all my queries? no, not frens. not even lionel. not even my brother. who can understand. myself. and its only me who can save myself from falling deeper, from drowning further. i couldnt take this. im goin weeeak. thanks to the past 18 yrs i've grown, at least, a lil stronger. its experience that makes me grow. i wonder. we live to die. seriously, we're all jus doin nth, but waitin for death. why put me in such a difficult position. without my frens or lionel, i think i could have long killed myself. u would have seen the headlines or the orbituaries. never in my life i heard those words. or seen such scenerio. NEVER. i blame it on myself. im jus pure unlucky. isnt it? isnt this wad u all always say me? S-U-A-Y. thanks. wad have i done in my previous life? is this really karma? maybe i shud do more good deeds to deserve a better life? somehow i think i shouldnt be rantin so much. am i? just let me continue, will you? i beg you. all i have is a blog to pour my troubles to. a diary to vent my frustrations on. dear diary, i hope i can live better. everydae, every moment i've been thinking bout my future. i see no light, no hope, no future. ppl have been tellin me not to ponder so much... im still young... why worry. if u arent like this, i wont worry. i need to think bout my future. im working hard, to earn more money. to think i realise the importance of money only recently. without money, i cant do anythg. i mean EVERYTHING. its duh to have a roof over ur head. but wait one dae i really have no home to return to, nobody to turn to... seeing myself standin alone on the roadside, facing the street lights. how? am i supposed to let oncoming cars bang myself to DEATH? or am i supposed to pull myself through... and tell myself, i can work to earn myself a living, to create a future. ALL BY MYSELF. bet u guys nv thought of all these? guess u guys are really takin ur folks for granted. i see how my frens spend their money. how gals shop away their money. how guys drink n smoke away their money. dun they wana save up for their future? dun they wana have a protection so at least they can fall back onto their savings when they're really broke, or in case of emergency? trust me, when u get older, nobody is gonna lend u much money. money is the word. u think feelings, frenship, bllah blah blah comes bigger than money. nope. money is the biggest thing on earth. havent u heard of money makes the world go round? nobody can understand wad im goin thru. im not the worst. there are tonnes of ppl whose lives are 100times worse than mine. im nothing compared to them pls. i dun ask for any sympathy or wad. i jus wana let it all out.
u nv understand me, u nv did. im sorry i cant be perfect.
on a lighter note, i caught chicken little todae. kinda cute. =) quite nice. the moral i learnt is prob no matter wad, trust, love, care & concern is wad a living thing yearn n wish for. the essentials to survival. i believe in that. strongly.
blurry perfection.
my bf is an idiot at holdin cam n clickin it. so i have to DIY.
fernie.
nites. im tired. tmr work from mornin til nite.
and mondae starts everythg again. back to office. back to calling rejects. back to travellin alone to work. =( workin so hard... all becos of a better tmr.
how i wish i could cry myself to die... at least i know, and i dare to cry. i wana jump buildin, but i fear heights. i wana stab myself to death, but im afraid to pierce the sharp thing into my flesh. i wana take pills, but i duno how to even swallow a damn panadol. i wana drink detergent to death, but i doubt that will work fine. sometimes i tell myself, life goes on... things will get better... but each day i wake up... i dun find life goin the way i wan it to go. the past few daes were hell. real hell. sometimes i questioned... often i got no reply. nobody could understand the pain im goin thru. as im typin this, tears are flowing from my eyes. who can answer all my queries? no, not frens. not even lionel. not even my brother. who can understand. myself. and its only me who can save myself from falling deeper, from drowning further. i couldnt take this. im goin weeeak. thanks to the past 18 yrs i've grown, at least, a lil stronger. its experience that makes me grow. i wonder. we live to die. seriously, we're all jus doin nth, but waitin for death. why put me in such a difficult position. without my frens or lionel, i think i could have long killed myself. u would have seen the headlines or the orbituaries. never in my life i heard those words. or seen such scenerio. NEVER. i blame it on myself. im jus pure unlucky. isnt it? isnt this wad u all always say me? S-U-A-Y. thanks. wad have i done in my previous life? is this really karma? maybe i shud do more good deeds to deserve a better life? somehow i think i shouldnt be rantin so much. am i? just let me continue, will you? i beg you. all i have is a blog to pour my troubles to. a diary to vent my frustrations on. dear diary, i hope i can live better. everydae, every moment i've been thinking bout my future. i see no light, no hope, no future. ppl have been tellin me not to ponder so much... im still young... why worry. if u arent like this, i wont worry. i need to think bout my future. im working hard, to earn more money. to think i realise the importance of money only recently. without money, i cant do anythg. i mean EVERYTHING. its duh to have a roof over ur head. but wait one dae i really have no home to return to, nobody to turn to... seeing myself standin alone on the roadside, facing the street lights. how? am i supposed to let oncoming cars bang myself to DEATH? or am i supposed to pull myself through... and tell myself, i can work to earn myself a living, to create a future. ALL BY MYSELF. bet u guys nv thought of all these? guess u guys are really takin ur folks for granted. i see how my frens spend their money. how gals shop away their money. how guys drink n smoke away their money. dun they wana save up for their future? dun they wana have a protection so at least they can fall back onto their savings when they're really broke, or in case of emergency? trust me, when u get older, nobody is gonna lend u much money. money is the word. u think feelings, frenship, bllah blah blah comes bigger than money. nope. money is the biggest thing on earth. havent u heard of money makes the world go round? nobody can understand wad im goin thru. im not the worst. there are tonnes of ppl whose lives are 100times worse than mine. im nothing compared to them pls. i dun ask for any sympathy or wad. i jus wana let it all out.
u nv understand me, u nv did. im sorry i cant be perfect.
on a lighter note, i caught chicken little todae. kinda cute. =) quite nice. the moral i learnt is prob no matter wad, trust, love, care & concern is wad a living thing yearn n wish for. the essentials to survival. i believe in that. strongly.
blurry perfection.
my bf is an idiot at holdin cam n clickin it. so i have to DIY.
fernie.
nites. im tired. tmr work from mornin til nite.
and mondae starts everythg again. back to office. back to calling rejects. back to travellin alone to work. =( workin so hard... all becos of a better tmr.